You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize