you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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