i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
