just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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