So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
