Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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