What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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