I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
