booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Randomize
