Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
