im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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