Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
