Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
