K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
