There was a lot of him and a little penis
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
