the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
