Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
