It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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