beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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