How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
