My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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