That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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