can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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