if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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