take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
He passed out mid-signature
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
