Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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