Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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