cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
