Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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