he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
