Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Sober January is a disaster.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
