I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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