Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
