saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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