The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my sisters under your porch take her home
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
