Your face is a jimmy john
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
