FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
