i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
