small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize