I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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