so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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