The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
