you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
