I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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