i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
