in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
