Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Randomize
