Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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