i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
