im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
