My balls are so social today.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
