The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
