Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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