the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
