I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
