people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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