Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
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It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Such a big mess for such a small penis
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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