why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
