I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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