somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
