I can tuck mytits in my pants
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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