My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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