how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
i believe in u and ur pee
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