Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
25 People Admit the Worst Things They’ve Done for Good Reasons
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
25 Things All Men Can Definitely Agree On
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."