i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
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Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying