I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends