Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on