I showed him my bush... on skype.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
