I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
