Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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