Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
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Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
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Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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