I swear god or herbie drove my car home
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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