i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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