I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
