Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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