Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
ttyl tear gas
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
